I'm the perfect man. I will give you chemistry and sparks and say all the right things, always. I will make you laugh and never make you cry. We will always have a perfect connection, due to my amazing charisma and in part due to my mind reading skills, which means you will never have to ask or tell me something that makes you uncomfortable. I'll just know. You don't even have to know what you want because my mind reading ability is sufficiently advanced such that I'll be able to deduce what you want all on my own.

I'll be your prince, the one, the man of your dreams, and you will always be thinking of me when I'm not there.

I'm honest and trustworthy and I will only be with you FOREVER, this despite the fact that I'm the perfect man.

I will prove to you that I don't just want sex. I'm a masculine man's man just the way you want, but sex will always be the furthest thing from my mind; that is, until you decide you want it, in which case I will instantly switch from not being interested in sex to being very interested in it (with you). I will do this while still coming across as a self confident man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it.

I love dogs, and in particular your dog, because I know how important it is to you that a man loves dogs.

You don't have to be perfect, but that's okay because as the man I know that it's solely my job to be perfect.

I'm chivalrous. I'm financially stable. I make lots of money. I'm handsome, fit and have a full head of hair.

Since I know you love good food I will always have a wide selection of restaurants to choose from, anyplace of your choosing. The sky's the limit. Paris, anyone?

I will court you, win you over, wine and dine you and do all the right things from society's point of view, and I'll even do it because I really want to, not because I feel I have to - that would be fake after all.

If you're shy and don't open up right away that's okay too. With my advanced mind reading skills I can compensate for lack of social ability by knowing exactly what to say so that you don't feel the slightest bit uncomfortable, or have to call upon courage which you just don't have.

Even though I'm perfect I will make sure you never feel threatened or insecure, because I know how to strike that perfect balance between being too good and not being good enough. And I can even adjust this delicate balance depending on your mood. I'm very dynamic that way.

Many guys will say that women (especially attractive women), are way too picky, stuck up, and impossible to meet, online and offline. Well, I won't deny that is true for the average non-telepathic male, but really, if you have mind reading skills like I do it's easy. You simply tap into what a particular woman is thinking and feeling in that particular minute, access her childhood memories to see what makes her most comfortable, and avoid any of the 100 different things that can set off her "creep" alarm. Do that and you get the girl. And so what if only one in a million guys can do what I do. For the average woman it only makes sense to go for such a top quality guy. Why settle? Think of it this way, don't you all deserve the .0001% of men out there? Come on ladies, don't let statistical reality deter you from landing your dream man.

There's no reason I can't be everything you want me to be even if any of those things contradict each other.

If you just want someone to date I can be the perfect guy to date.

If you want something long term and serious I can be as long term and serious as you want.

If you want someone to hang out with I can be that too, even though there are many definitions of what "hang out" exactly means. Nonetheless I will exactly match your particular version of "hanging out".

And if you just want physical intimacy I can satisfy you that way too, although this one does stretch my mind reading abilities a bit since many women want intimacy with no expectations, but also a connection with no strings, while also wanting to be exclusive but with no commitment, and no jealousy either but the guy must only be with her... you get the idea... but nevertheless my mental telepathic abilities makes even something as ridiculous sounding as this possible.

In a nutshell I can be everything you want and make it seem like I want exactly the same thing as you. I laugh in the face of any sense of reason and logic that tells me otherwise.


G said...

Man this is hilarious!

I read this and "how to avoid being creepy" out loud to my ex and she said with a straight face that this exactly how guys should be. She commented on the "creepy" article, saying that she totally agrees adding a few more points on how to avoid being creepy, also with a straight face!

All this despite me letting her know that it's all written with a sarcastic tone. It makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time.

G said...

I have read all your blogs and find them all excellent. You are a voice for a lot of men who are worn out by the dating scene. Reading your blogs is therapy.

I have reached the same place where I treat women as equals and don't chase them at all. Either they're interested or not and it's fine with me either way.

It's amazing to me what a TINY (but growing) minority we are. The mainstream "dating advice" is still focused on the gynocentric model of "man chases woman." I really can't discuss this stuff anywhere, but online if I want to fully express how I feel about the whole thing and not be thought of as an "extremist."

Thanks for your work.

John said...

Hey, thanks!

That's true, there are women that will actually think I'm serious when I write this stuff. No matter how sarcastic I am. That just tells you how entitled and delusional they are when even heavy satire doesn't register.

TiffaniC. said...

My Comment:
I'm not a guy but I like your blog and I understand your frustration with women. I admit women, including myself at times, can be a bit delusional. For so long we have been sold many lies about relationships and men. Cosmo teaches us about sex, romantic comedies teach us about "men", Disney sells us a fairy-tale about romance but few of us learn about what it takes to be in a relationship and understand men.
As a result many of us have become self centered, self proclaimed "divas" or "boss ladies" yet we call this female empowerment. But there is nothing empowering about being cold and uninviting and wearing butt labeled "princess" sweat pants, all while demanding a man to "Put a Ring on It."